so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
