I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
