I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
