I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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