so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
