I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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