the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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