Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
