no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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