eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
