Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
