I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
