I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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