I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
