Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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