grandma shit on top of the toilet
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
