Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I puked a lego.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
