I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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