I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You're so nebulous sometimes
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
