I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
