if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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