Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
