just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
