we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
