oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
