So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
