From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
