If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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