Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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