remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
