my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
