Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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