Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
