You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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