We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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