I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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