It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
