i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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