I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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