Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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