Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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