i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
