Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I stole a fireplace last night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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