hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
