She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
