Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
