Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
