A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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