Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you didnt know i had herpes?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
