How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
