kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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