Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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