dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize