I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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