I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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