My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
