just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Text me some of your sweat
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
