i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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