Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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