Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
