I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
