Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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